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Distant Acupuncture Release Technique

Summary

  • This is satire

  • As a general rule, never let people throw darts at you

  • The MOH and Jacinda fully endorse this treatment. But don't ask them - they will just deny it.


Acupuncture under levels 3&4

After hours of thinking, we have come up with a way of treating people during levels 3 & 4. The treatment is a Distant Acupuncture Release Technique or D.A.R.T. The treatment process is simple, you stand by our driveway and I stand a safe few meters away. You explain your pain complaint and then I accurately insert (slightly thicker than normal) acupuncture needles via precision arm propulsion (aka, throwing). This is actually an ancient form of therapy with origins in Egypt as a means for practising socially distanced acupuncture during times of plague. The practice then re-appeared in England around WW1 but with a dense foam 'target' board designed to help train the users' ability to precisely target the correct meridian points (The bulls eye is a significant acupuncutre point). This modern form of D.A.R.T's is now typically seen at your local RSA and is considered by many to be a westernized form of Tai Qi. Having not spent very much time at my local RSA, I spent last Friday night refining my D.A.R.T skills in the garage. I now feel competent in offering this treatment and printed myself a real certificate (below). From what I can gather, this treatment is ideal for those suffering from headaches, sinus issues or insomnia. If you would like to feature in this article, I am seeking expressions of interest from people keen to act as test dummies. I mean models. Free of charge. Please don't book here for this treatment.



A very real certificate.

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